When he kneels before me…

Years of feeling a need for a man that would take charge of me, lead me and pull me into his field of virility, strength and resilience left me empty. That man never came into my life. Instead, I was the frustrated leader every time, in every way. My mind, I now know, was corrupted by programming, in the way it was “thinking” it needed a masculine to master me, to seduce me and to take care of me. The Disneyesque Prince on his white steed, the hero portrayed in so many films, the leading role in my life, was always missing. I got on with life, leading a busy and successful tattoo business, a household and building community but always wishing for that leading partner to be by my side.

But then, along came Pete. Who had a natural leadership quality about him but also a sensitivity, a different kind of depth, I could sense it straight away and that allured me to watch his composure, his attitude and openness. We met in a public space, of which he was leading, guiding and holding space. I observed him. I can’t say I have a type. I am attracted to energy, Pete was not on my radar, as he was not a generational match and I was with my boyfriend of the time. But his energy caught my attention. I felt I would learn something from him… little did I know what he had to teach me! 

Months went by, spending my time with a sweet boyfriend with poor leadership, and an excruciating inability to hold the sexual space for me, more lessons for me in loving/frustration, co-dependency and resentment for my subconscious to sort through. Learning more about polarity and how without it, a sexual dynamic becomes neutralised, then neutered. The Goddess spoke to me very clearly one morning as I woke up. “Enough is enough… and this is NOT enough!” I listened, I cut it clean, as consciously as you can. 

A few months went by, a dive into an online kink dating app… one hot date…

Then the phone call from Pete, out of the blue, the alluring messages that followed, then the date was set. Efforts were made, with a sense of ease. Devotion was inextricable between us immediately. Transparently open from the start, honest truths spilling from us both. The language we used, woven in devotee and muse instantly and naturally, as if we’d had this dance together before. 

I knew this was different. I stepped into the centre unapologetically, him to my side. The age difference had some weight in this dynamic too, not sure how logically but it set a tone, a vibration. He was not attempting to lead. He was courting me, with intention. I stepped into a position of power. Without any doubt, or second thought. I was on a pedestal, consciously this time! 

I’ve realised the masculine that I was waiting for, was an energetic I’d chastised inside me. I had rejected it over and over, I didn't integrate it. I shunned it. I yearned to be saved…unconsciously stuck in the programmed victim loop. The subconscious princess, I was brought up to be. A little girl of the 1980s. Girl power on one hand and hustle culture on the other. Work hard, play harder, dream big, be strong, but also be saved! Saved from our own mediocrity! I have realised and thank Goddess, not too late… I’ve realised, in my prime, that I am the one. I am the divine masculine and the divine feminine. I am Kundalini and I set myself free. 

I saved myself. From the depths of the mundane tortures of feeling I needed this or that, outside of me. When it was all inside me, all along. 

Pete had a key. He opened the door. We walked through together. And now, he kneels before me. As it should be. As it should’ve been all along. We choose FLR, female led relating, I set the tone and the rules. I lead and stand in my sovereignty. He is disciplined, devoted and attuned. I hold the responsibility and the power in this dynamic and I wield it consistently, with consciousness. We are kinksters, but it’s so much deeper than mere kinks. It’s becoming a way of life as we both immerse into a new frequency. A life lived through a different energetic channel. A dance of joy and surrender together. In our truth. 

I am Goddess incarnate, all women are. I am not a feminist and never have been. I used to say I was an equalitist, but that belief created the loop of frustrating dynamics I experienced again and again in relationship. I am not equal to the man that I choose to have in my field of energy. I am above him. I am the Oracle, the muse, the living and breathing Goddess. I serve the Goddess and he… well, he serves me. 

Integrating the divine masculine and feminine within my energetic signature and accepting my natural dominance has created quite a distinct change, in many parts of my life. I feel an upgraded sense of core self worth, my ability to tune into the field has deepened, my clairsentience has increased, intuition is heightened, as I listen to my sacral, my heart and my pussy all communicating clearly. My empathy is awakened and powerful. All people pleasing dissolved rapidly. My tolerance has decreased to almost nothing for stupidity, neglect or lack of integrity. My sexual desire has always been very high, this is unchanged but the focus is different. My pleasure is central now, rather than giving pleasure. I take without equal balance, without guilt. Inner rage is at inferno levels but is tempered, until I choose times to release. Having a submissive helps with this, as you can imagine.

I am totally centered in my own aliveness and awareness. My energy speaks for itself. My aura is altered, my spine is straighter. My physical being feels stronger too, disciplined and taut, in a good way. Sensuality and abundance of pleasure is now my primary focus. Feminine and Masculine energy activated, internal integration is the way to wholeness, I believe. To ultimate being-nes. Mind, body & spirit.

I am discovering that I was here all along, this doesn’t feel new, it feels more like a remembrance. I had goggles on, with societal filters that stopped the truth of who I was in my core. We are all given these goggles, through childhood, indoctrination, cultural and familial, ancestral, gene imprints. It’s time to take them off now and see through to your True Nature, your own energetic Soul blueprint, that is only yours. 

This is a becoming for me. A reverence of my inner dominion. I am dominant. I always have been, but I was at odds with it energetically and subconsciously. Now I embrace exploring the taking back of my power and my essence. I am in service to the matriarchal power of the Goddess, for the collective. Of which culturally, had almost been erased.

Almost. 

Now, we remember, together. 

And when he kneels before me, I am so grateful.